I’m Jimmy. I’m the host of the show. Thank you for watching. PLEASE RELAX. Thank you for joining us here in Hollywood.
We’re back to work, dear. We’re back to work. >> WE’RE BACK. YAY. WE’RE BACK >> after a week away.
I wouldn’t say off. We weren’t off. We were in New York working. We were spreading the word about marketing opportunities. >> Uh we were eating and uh that’s it.
But there was a lot of eating. And I want to share a story because one night GM I invited GMO to come to dinner one night. Right. >> Yes. >> With me and my wife.
And he said he couldn’t. He had something to do. So, my wife and I went to eat at a a great restaurant. You remember the restaurant? >> Yeah.
Great food. No, I don’t remember. >> Wild Cherry was the name of the restaurant. And I walk in and they’re sitting across the room from us is another group. Um uh it includes GMO.
GMO was at the restaurant that I 25,000 restaurants in the city of New York. We wind up at the same one. And I knew something was up when I checked in with the hostess. She said, “Oh, you have two tables tonight.” I was like, “I have two tables tonight.
” Turns out the table you were at was using my name to get the reservation. >> Of course. Yeah. >> Anyway, it was good to almost see you. >> Exactly.
What’s >> also great to get a break from the news? Somebody catch me up. Is that war Trump said we won on day one 3 months ago over yet? Is that done? We missed a lot of stuff being away for a week.
The president made a trip to China to see all the factories where his America first merchandise is made. You got to check on the hats. You can see here he is landing at the airport. They had a red carpet. a bunch of young Chinese women waving American flags to welcome him.
They took him to meet uh President Xi, his counterpart, where they did some handholding and some a series of pity pats. The president told him how much he loves Panda Express. Next, they uh they danced. They did a little twostep down the line as they reviewed the Chinese army. The soldiers showed the president their shiny bayonets.
And then they met some very excited children. Like very how they got them so excited for Trump, I don’t know. I think they told him he was Spongebob. Maybe Trump brought some other rich guys along. CEO of Goldman Sachs, Nvidia, Tim Cook from Apple was there.
And Elon Musk brought his son on the trip. And Elon Musk, we haven’t seen him in a little bit. Seems to be getting weirder. And then Trump and she answered questions from the press. How are your talks, sir?
It’s >> great. >> It seemed like he had fun. He eats this stuff up. The pageantry whenever he visits a foreign land, it’s like a 5-year-old at their birthday party. President Xi gave Trump a tour of a private garden in Beijing.
It’s hundreds of years old. And this is the question Trump asked the translator to ask. as the president from other countries, presidents, does he bring them? >> No, Mr. President, we don’t bring any of the other leaders here.
Just you. You’re the only girl for me. Okay. He’s so embarrassing on these trips. Give that man a parade.
He’ll give you anything you want. And President Xi played him like a a fatavarious. >> He said today and he said it very publicly. He said the US was declining for the last four years. And he said what President Trump has done in the last 15 16 months has been virtually a miracle.
He said we have the hottest He said we have the hottest country anywhere in the world. >> Wow. He said that. Huh. He said we were the hottest.
That’s so cool. You should give him all our farmland for that. There were no major deals or agreements made on this trip to China. And as far as what Trump gleaned from his time spent with the Chinese president, basically this, >> but I say about him that uh if you went to Hollywood and you looked for a leader of China to play a role in a movie, >> central casting, >> he’s central casting, you wouldn’t you couldn’t find a guy like him. M >> uh even his his physical features, you know, he’s tall, very tall and uh especially for this country cuz they tend to be a little bit shorter.
Is there anything else that you learned other than that he’s tall? I love watching his mind at work as he’s talking. He’s talking. He thinks of something that he definitely shouldn’t say. He circles around it.
Then there’s a little pause and out it pops every time. If nothing else, this man that we call president is a creative genius. >> I came up with a new name. I don’t know if I should. >> I I know which one it is.
>> Democrats cuz they’re dumb. They’re dumb. It It’s dumm. I got rid of the B. So, you’re only changing one letter, right?
E goes and the U comes. It’s a >> You know, you take up more space in people’s heads than any one person on the face of this earth, right? You live rent free. I was talking about a guy Hakee Jeff. He’s a very low IQ individual.
And I talked about him. I said, “He’s a dumb guy. He’s a Democrat.” And I said, “Oh, what a great name that is.” >> It’s so great.
It’s a really great nickname. I can’t believe it only took you 11 years to come up with that one. What a privilege it is to get a look inside that incredible brain. To learn how he comes up with these wickedly sick birds. Walk us through how you came up with Meatball Ron, sir.
Would you please? One of the many Democrats on Trump’s list is James Terico, who is somehow pulling neckand-neck with Republican candidates for Senate in Texas. So, Torico went for tacos with Obama last week and ordered a breakfast taco, which has eggs but no meat in it, which was uh just another opening for our diabolical commander in beef. >> I think the Democrats have a weird a weird candidate. uh six genders.
Uh a real hit on Jesus. Uh I mean this guy is mad news with his mask from relatively recently and he’s a vegan. He’s a veagan. All of a sudden he’s not a vegan. He was a vegan all now all of a sudden he’s not.
Texas doesn’t like veans. >> Right. Vegan. It rhymes with Reagan. You know that’s how normal people say the word.
Right. Is vegans are people who don’t ate mate. Okay. And then the president got back to the very serious business of posting crazy things. The Ayatollah reposted a whole bunch of swap.
I still don’t know if he understands that it isn’t real or not. He posted an image of himself walking with a handcuffed extraterrestrial. Why? We don’t know. All we know for sure is that the alien is appears to be doing CrossFit.
He’s in very good shape. Senator Mike Lee, another Trump zombie from Utah, reposted that photo and wrote, “Not sure what this means, but I’m here for it.” I’ll tell you what it means, Mike. It means the guy with the nuclear codes is out of his goddamn mind. That’s what it means.
But I’m glad you’re there for it. He’s there for it. Trump also posted about how young he looks. He said, “President Trump ages in reverse.” Like, uh, you’re not aging in reverse.
Wearing diapers does not mean you’re aging in reverse. Okay. And then the White House jumped on the crazy train and posted this, suggesting that Trump would be the next James Bond. Grab him by the octopusy. We got a new James Bond in town.
I think 007 is his is his approval rating right now. Imagine being a very unpopular president in the middle of a very unpopular war. The cost of everything is skyrocketing. Gas is very expensive. And you are spending your time posting online about how hot you are, how you captured an alien, and how you should be the next James Bond.
I Well, at least he wasn’t golfing through the war again, I guess. Oh, he was. Oh, yes, he when he wasn’t posting himself off over the weekend. Unhappy Gilmar was golfing again. Trump has now played golf on 111 of his first 484 days in office.
The same man who back in 2014 tweeted, “Can you believe that with all the problems and difficulties facing the US, President Obama spent the day playing golf worse than Carter has now golfed more than 22% of his second term.” And we know this from a website called did Trumpgolf today.com. This is a real website. That’s our president trying to hit a ball out of a a trap made from clumps of his own hair.
I don’t know what that is. But but now don’t get me wrong, I don’t blame him for taking a little break. I mean, do you know how hard it is to be a doctor and Jesus at the same time? Speaking of Jesus, Trump skipped a big Christian rally he had on the National Mall on Sunday. It was an 8-hour event build as a national jubilee of prayer, praise, and thanksgiving with a lineup of charismatic Christians like South Carolina Senator Tim Scott.
How many of y’all How many of you love Jesus? I can’t hear you. I said, “How many of you love Jesus?” Oh, yeah. And so began the worst concert of all time.
Since Trump didn’t bother to show up, they repurposed a video in which he reads from the Bible and they put it up on the big screen for his worshippers to see. Thus, Solomon finished the house of the Lord and the king’s house and all that came into Solomon’s heart to make in the house of the Lord and in his own house he prosperously affected. >> Prosperously. Yes. Perfect read, sir.
No, no, sir. I honestly thought that was AI until he got to the word prosperously. >> I have commanded you and shall observe my statutes and my judgments. Then will I establish the throne of my kingdom according to as I have covenanted with David your father, saying there shall not fail you as a man to be ruler in Israel. >> You know what?
For his first time reading the Bible, that actually wasn’t too bad. I would suggest that if Trump is looking through the Bible, he might want to look at the part that references plagues because the World Health Organization just declared the Ebola virus to be a global health emergency. We have the HA virus to worry about after that cruise. But not too much because our honor response is being led by the assistant secretary for health, Dr. Brian Christine, who is a former penile implant specialist.
And if that’s not a face that says I’m not just a penile implant specialist, I’m also a client. I have never seen one. CNN described Dr. Christine as a right-wing conspiracy theorist with very little public health experience. He once hosted a show on YouTube called Erection Connection.
Are they supposed to connect? But don’t worry, Dr. Christine wants everybody to know if you do contract the HANA virus, your penis will be huge. Okay. Now, in the NBA, we have four teams left.
In the West, it is the Spurs and the Thunder. That series started tonight. In the East, the Cleveland Cavaliers crushed the top seed Detroit Pistons in game seven yesterday. They they will face the Knicks tomorrow night at Madison Square Garden. This was a major upset, and now there is a conspiracy theory making the rounds as a result of it.
Some believe the series was rigged in favor of the Cavaliers by the league because of this promo that ran on our network ABC the day before game seven took place. >> The Eastern Conference finals Cavaliers Knicks game one on ESPN. >> And that is indeed how the series played out, the Cavaliers and Knicks. ABC said they ran the promo by mistake and I believe them. If ABC could predict the future, we wouldn’t have wasted $20 million on a canceled season of the Bachelorette.
So, but it’s interesting because 4 days ago, multiple players from the Cavaliers were experiencing mysterious signs of illness. Violently ill Cavs in huge trouble as sickness spreads across team ahead of crucial game six. Now, that seems suspicious to me cuz if you rearrange the letters in calves, it spells vax as in vaccine. And what diabolical doctor who pushed the vax was captain of his high school basketball team? That’s right, Dr.
Anthony Fouchy. And if you look closely at the Regis High School 1958 season record book, you will see the now Dr. Fouchy was the leading scorer on the team with 203 points. If you add up the total points his team scored that year, you get 1,212 points. 1212 as in December 12th.
You want to know what happened on December 12th? The first cases of COVID 19 appeared in Wuhan. December 12th, 2019. And you want to take a guess as to who the two worst teams in the Eastern Conference of the NBA were that day? The New York Knicks and Cleveland Cavaliers.
I knew they’d slip up one day and we were right there to catch them. So yes, there is a conspiracy of foot. But no, the promo department at ABC cannot predict the future. Right, GMO? You know those people.
They cannot. Right. >> Right. The Cavs eye another upset while the Knicks carry the dreams of all of New York. The Eastern Conference finals Cavaliers Knicks game one followed by Jimmy Kimmel gets the Honda virus on ABC streaming next day on Hulu.
>> All right. Well, that seems like bad news, but don’t worry, it means we all have it together. Well, we have a rollicking show for tonight. ALLISON BRI IS HERE AND WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK with Trey Parker and Matt Stone. So stick around.
Read More: Big 12 Championship Game: Oklahoma State Cowboys vs. Texas Longhorns | Full Game Highlights
